Quod me nutrit me destruit

06 December 2009 @ 11:03 pm

ok
so i'm feeling a tad better
i danced it out. put some dramatic music on and i let it take me
it's an adavantage of having loud speakers and a big room.

i'm still fat + my dad is still dead though
in that respect, dancing isn't that helpful

fml.

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06 December 2009 @ 09:35 pm

(no subject)

take a gun to my head
and pull the fucking trigger

get me out of this nightmare

highest weight
disgusting cunt.

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04 December 2009 @ 04:24 pm

(no subject)

fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat
i fucking hate myself
my life
my mum
the whole fucking world
shoot me now, yeah?

i don't want to carry on till tomorrow.

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04 December 2009 @ 07:34 am

(no subject)

HORRENDOUS night last night.
binged.
mean, what the fuck. why?!

I was 102.8 yesterday morning, 104 this morning.
oh woop de fucking do.
why do I bother?

I want to get better but it's so fucking hard :(

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01 December 2009 @ 10:41 pm

(no subject)

This morning.. 104.4
Tonight.. 104.4

I normally gain at least a pound during the day. Does this mean I'll be 103.4 in the morning?
we'll see.

well whatever, I'm still utterly huge so it doesn't really make any difference.
fail.

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29 November 2009 @ 07:05 pm

(no subject)

If i'm 7 stone for 18th december I'll be happy, ok?
FUCKING GO.

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08 November 2009 @ 07:02 pm

(no subject)

heading back down to 6 stone.
on your marks. get set.

GO.

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08 November 2009 @ 08:03 am

(no subject)

after two weeks forced recovery:

weight: 97lbs

breakfast: natural yoguhrt 62g (41) grapes 50g (30)
snack: muller yoghurt (86) diet coke (1)
lunch: apple 80g (36) noodles 40g (70) diet coke (1)
snack: rice cake (38) diet coke (1)

total: 304

will have:
snack: special k bar (90) or yoghurt (100) or special k bites (99)
dinner: roast (up to 300)

estimated total: about 700
If I stay under 1000 I'll be happy today. It makes a change from the last few weeks.

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21 October 2009 @ 07:38 am

(no subject)

Don't know how I did it but..

85.2lbs!
what? what!?
exceeded my goal weight!
bmi: 14.2

anyway, clinic in a couple of hours.
I took lax last night and they've only just kicked in.. fucking hell.

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20 October 2009 @ 05:47 pm

(no subject)

I absolutely love watching cooking shows
just seeing the food they're handling, imagining I ate it and how delicious it tastes
the deserts are my favourite
it's like food porn

masterchef the professionals is my favourite
it's the final tonight!

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20 October 2009 @ 07:22 am

(no subject)

cw: 86.2 / 39.1kg
lw: 86.2
hw: 107

bmi: still fucking 14.4

I only lost half a pound yesterday. SHAMEFUL LAURA. I've got my appointment tomorrow, so I've got to hit my goal weight. Got 0.2lbs to lose. I just hope to god I don't lose control today. I can't lose control today.

I feel so weak.
someone save me?
:(

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19 October 2009 @ 06:57 pm

(no subject)

I'd love to binge right now. I'm going to go find all the things I'd like to binge on, add up all the calories, go upstairs, and then feel good that I could have consumed those calories but haven't. In some weird way, it makes me feel stronger.

The only flaw in that plan is that I might binge when I'm deciding what I would have liked to binge on..

The day after tomorrow is wednesday :( I'm scared.. to say the least.

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19 October 2009 @ 06:24 pm

(no subject)

I just need to get through tonight
Then I need to get through wednesday morning
Then I need to get through the rest of the week
Till I can go on holiday, thank fuck.

I don't feel like I'm living anymore.
I'm alive, yes, but I'm not living. I'm not enjoying life.

new lowest weight today
86.6lbs
39.3kg
bmi: 14.4

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18 October 2009 @ 01:16 pm

(no subject)

when am I allowed to feel beautiful?
this isn't fair.
cw: 87.4
bmi: 14.5

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17 October 2009 @ 06:53 pm

(no subject)

pound down :) 88.4
had drama this morning and managed to keep my focus
practically fasted for 24 hours without even meaning to.. beautiful.

I need to move my goal forward two days, just to be on the safe side. I have a doctors appointment on monday, and they'll be doing a full physical, cardiac function test, blood test, you name it. They'll probably weigh me too so I have to be in the 39 kilograms. I'll feel so disappointed if I'm not. I'm 40.1 now, so possible, yes?

Food plan up until doctors:

sunday; soup (60) noodles (70) fish (110)
monday; bit of special k (20)

if not 86, then 87 certainly
role on tomorrow so I can weigh myself obsessively.

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16 October 2009 @ 07:31 am

(no subject)

well I fucking gained didn't I
89.4

today I go and see my pictures from my modelling shoot. I don't want to go now, I don't want to go see my awful body. I weighed 92 at that shoot. I weigh 89 now and I still LOATHE everything about me. I just want to be 84 already.. 86 by next wednesday if possible :(

I'm such a fat fuck who doesn't deserve ANYTHING
everyone keeps cancelling on me
boyfriend
best friend

fuck fuck fuck OFF
I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE.
bad mood :(

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15 October 2009 @ 06:54 pm

(no subject)

cw 89.2
bmi 14.7

had nothing all day, then binged at tea.
had two balls of stuffing extra, two potatos extra, and extra meat.
fucking hell.
YOU FAT FAT SHIT.

no wonder no one likes you.

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14 October 2009 @ 06:55 pm

(no subject)

I must be 39 kilograms by the 21st october
I must I must I must

:(

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13 October 2009 @ 04:31 pm

(no subject)

after seeing 97.4lbs on the scale on sunday night and feeling postively suicidal, tuesday afternoon I'm now down to 91.8lbs.
so lost a total of 5.6lbs of what i'm guessing is water weight and a bit of real weight.
I'm just so glad I'm not 97.4lbs. It scared me so much.. I can't even explain.

so, uhm, bmi=15.2

i've had a yoghurt so far to power my brain for homework. It's half 4 and I'm not even hungry.
Tea soon though.. fuck :(
spag bol anyone?

NO THANKS.

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11 October 2009 @ 08:21 pm

(no subject)

i'm lonely and food's turned into my comfort.
tomorrow i'm going to face being lonely on my own, i don't need food anymore

i'm fat and worthless
ie i don't need food

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